At least that's my fantasy. In fact, the reality may not be that far off. Well, maybe not a swat team and maybe there wouldn't be a whole nest of bandits involved, but there is a recently renamed software product that promises pretty much that.

Absolute Software's LoJack for Laptops used to be called CompuTrace, and now it's back with a new name and a new identity. It's also in some respects a little scary. More on that in a moment.

Meanwhile, I did spend some time playing with LoJack for Laptops. The folks at Absolute Software delivered a disk to my office and, after a few glitches having to do with my outdated laptop software, I successfully installed it, made the appropriate calls to an 800-number in Vancouver, British Columbia. And lo and behold, they told me just where my laptop was located.

"At the beginning, we wondered whether law enforcement would really care about laptops," Livingston confessed. "But they were very supportive. Property theft is a situation where they don't get a lot of success. But this is stolen property with a built-in electronic tip where it's located. They also realized that, in 5 per cent of the cases, the location they go to other criminal activity is taking place."

Last month, for instance, a distress call came from a laptop in McKinney, Texas. The local police stumbled onto a big chop-shop location with drugs and weapons. They also got the stolen computer back.

This is also one tough little piece of software. LoJack for Laptops-Absolute licensed the Lojack name from the car theft recovery company-can survive the entire stripping and reformatting of the hard disk. And, to make it even more invulnerable, most of the big laptop makers-IBM/Lenovo, Dell, Hewlett-Packard and Gateway-have just begun embedding a recovery chip on their system boards, so that even if the thief replaces the hard drive, the computer will still be able to make that SOS call.

Sounds a little like Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Terminator. You can almost hear the computer growling, "I'll be baaaack."

Which is where a few little concerns come in.

Load it onto your laptop, and it dials into a computer in Vancouver, it logs you (or they) on, registers your computer's serial number and who you are along with a password. Then, you sit back and wait for it to be stolen.

If that happens, that's when the "recovery team" kicks into action. Those are the go-to people. If your computer does walk out of your office, hotel room or the trunk of your car, you simply call the 800-number, or go to another computer, and report it stolen. Within seconds, your computer goes on Absolute Software's "most wanted" list.

It works like a charm, as soon as the bandits use your stolen laptop to go online. By the way, all the time your computer's been sitting in your office or den, it has been regularly checking in with its master in Vancouver. If the computer gets into the wrong hands and is reported stolen, Absolute's recovery team will see that status pop up on their screen.

Within seconds, Absolute can use one of three ways to determine where the wayward computer has gone. If it's a dial-up modem, it can tell what phone number the computer is using to get online, and trace the address. If it's broadband, it can track the IP address and then, with cooperation from the Internet Service Provider, locate the street address where the IP is installed. And then there's a third way that even John Livingston, Absolute's chairman and CEO won't tell us about.

Now that's great, if you (or him or her) don't want your last five years' tax returns falling into the hands of a greedy whistle-blower. But, despite Livingstone's assurances, I was a little worried about just how much Tania in Absolute's recovery department was able to see on my hard drive back there in Vancouver.

Finally, there still isn't a version for Apple Macintosh computers, at least not a consumer version, though there is a corporate product. Absolute says one will be forthcoming by year's end.

And, when we tried to install the software on my wife's ancient Dell laptop, it didn't take to Windows98 operating system. There is a version that works on Windows98, but you (or him or her) have to get it straight from the Web site. Type www.lojackforlaptops.com. There'll be someone out there listening!

The first six letters at the top left of your keyboard spell it out QWERTY. This arrangement of letters, along with the other 20 on the traditional keyboard were actually arranged that way to make the job of typing more difficult.

The first commercially successful typewriter was developed by Christopher Latham Sholes in 1873. Originally, the keys were arranged alphabetically. However, a problem soon arose. People became so adept at using the keyboard that the keys would stick or jam when struck in quick succession. In order to overcome this problem Sholes decided to make the job of typing as slow as he possibly could. His solution? He placed the most frequently used keys as far apart from each other as he could. His keyboard became known as the QWERTY keyboard.

So, that is the reason why your keyboard is formatted the way it is. Ironic, considering that every other aspect of your computer is streamlined for maximum efficiency and yet you have to labor over a 127 year old system designed specifically for inefficiency. And inefficient it certainly is. For one thing, QWERTY was not designed for touch typing, which came much later. For keys that are not in the middle or home row it is necessary to reach across diagonally. This is difficult and leads to a high error rate.

Some claim that there is a better system called the DVORAK keyboard format. It was designed by August Dvorak in the 1930s. Dvorak's keyboard put nine of the most used letters in the middle row of the keyboard. This allows the typist to write over 3,000 words without the fingers reaching. In comparison, only about 50 words can be typed on a keyboard without reaching on QWERTY's middle or home row. Another advantage of the DVORAK keyboard is that the workload is much reduced.

Does the DVORAK system really improve performance? In order to prove that it does August Dvorak retrained 14 Navy typists during World War Two. The result? After just one month their work productivity rate improved by an amazing 74 percent. Accuracy improved by 68 percent. So, you would think that people would be jumping over each other to switch over from QWERTY to DVORAK. Surprisingly, this has not proved to be the case. DVORAK keyboards are readily available for most computers and on typewriters, yet by and large they remain unaccepted.

Another supposedly better keyboard than the DVORAK version is the MALT keyboard devised by Lillian Malt. The Malt keyboard does away with staggered rows, gives greater use of the thumb and makes it easier to reach the backspace and other normally out of the way keys. Unlike the DVORAK keyboard, however, the MALT version will require special hardware I order to be installed onto your computer. Modern designs are also available on both the DVORAK and the MALT keyboards that are specially contoured to alleviate the physical problems associated with the traditional typewriter style keyboard. DVORAK have also put out one handed keyboards which give a free hand for other tasks while typing.